TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Sure, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are speaking Damascus, the town Traditionally known for historical culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be tremendous. Tremendous!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed from your putting eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We have experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A few of the most effective. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and solely away from position. Developed by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable h2o. But Sure, positive, let us have A different spot the place American Guys can put on robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace attempt considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although preceding negotiations failed beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is simpler: provide Absolutely everyone a collection around the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


Based on paperwork posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is tender electrical power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock wants less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms set up in Just about every unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire noted, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside a war zone. It can be that he really should end applying it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked regarding the challenge, replied, "You are aware of, man, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Very good people. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory with the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the hotel's landscaping forms an enormous Trump head seen from Area, a element becoming promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents along with the chin is… properly, categorised.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits immediately after getting the making's gold plating mirrored so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set hearth to a local melon cart.


"It truly is not only unpleasant. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Bewildering Features


Probably the strangest component of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium wherever guests may contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with weather Regulate set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Nearby Syrians are unsure what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-calendar year-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Technique: "In case you Bomb It, They are going to Appear"


The ad campaign, lately leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Without end."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% explained "where's the closest elevator for the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The undertaking is currently attracting awareness from international buyers, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll purchase 3 penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial amount will even incorporate:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Trump Tower Damascus Topic Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait around to determine a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in lieu of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a lodge where my PTSD can have switch-down assistance."


Yet another write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reports advise:




  • China may open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to make a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Ultimate Feelings from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It required gold. It needed a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave everything three. You are welcome."

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